
Esquire.com, however, seems to think conversion of the wicked and ignorant is important. In Aaron Goldfarb's article How to Throw a Craft Beer Party for Normal People, the author lays out clear directions for brainwashing the uninitiated by—as the title implies—inviting your friends over and forcing them to drink the beers you think they should drink, instead of just hanging out and having a good time.
That's sounds like fun.
Goldfarb first suggests that we should make them care. This is a simple task, just "…use your geekiness: pull out an anecdote about a brewery, mention the ingredients, and explain how the beer differs from the 30 racks in the supermarket."
Yes, now you've got them. I'm not sure how any of that information translates into 'caring', but apparently, knowing that Fritz Maytag's family founded the appliance company, Maytag, and they also make blue cheese, is the key.
The next suggestion is to make craft beer less intimidating by "…by opening bottles of everything and pouring small tastes for everyone. This way, people won't feel bad if they hate something in particular, because it'll just be an ounce or two…"
We're talking about adults, right? Should we also cut up their food so it's easier to eat?
Next up, for our intrepid beer-snob host is to compare his or her amazing selection of craft beer to the stuff the guest are used to. For example, "For the vast majority who drink rice- and corn-packed mass-market dreck, give them a better example of the style: an all-malt lager like the Brooklyn Brewery's…For the ladies who like Blue Moon, a vastly superior Allagash White will fit the bill nicely… for that so-called ale lover, offer him a big, boozy Belgian. A nice, sweet dubbel like Westmalle…"
Or, you could just put all the beer—including the rice- and corn-packed mass-market dreck —in a cooler full of ice and let them pick what they want.
Blindfolding your guest is Goldfarb's next suggestion. "For the friends who claim they only like Bud or only like Miller or only Coors, have them try all three side-by-side without knowing which is which. Guaranteed, they'll pick the "wrong" one as their favorite."
Yes, because people love to be proven wrong and to be shown a fool. Publicly.
The number five suggestion is to help the guest with descriptors, according to Goldfarb, "… ask, hmmm, isn't this Ballast Point Sculpin so "tropical"? Doesn’t Sixpoint Resin have a "dank" aroma, you know, like a sack of weed? Oooh, can you taste how this Fantome Hiver is just packed with "horse blanket"? Teach them that being an accomplished beer geek is mostly about lexiconical one-upmanship."
Okay, I'm just going to come out and say this. If you do this to your friends I am going to come to your house and punch you in the face. That is one phrase I don't ever want to hear —'lexiconical one-upmanship"—ugh. Like beer, don't like beer, just stop being pretentious about it.
Second to last is that, as the host, you should pull out something rare. I'm going to quote almost the whole blurb, because it's so juicy.
"Make it into a little ceremony with some practiced patter. "I've been saving this for a special occasion, but I'd really like you guys to try it tonight." Then give them the stats: "This came out in 2009, and only 1300 bottles were released. You could only get it if you waited in an hours-long line at the brewery." Prove to them how highly-acclaimed it is by pulling out your iPhone and showing them, "Look! It gets a perfect 100 on RateBeer.com and is Beer Advocate's #25 beer in the world!" They'll be salivating as you peel off the special wax-dipped top, pop the cap with your best Areaware bottle opener, and give them a thick, luscious pour of The Bruery's Black Tuesday. "Lucky you! You’ve just had a beer most people would kill to try." They'll have completely forgotten the beer by morning, but they'll remember the spectacle."You should also tell them how much money you make and maybe show them your "giant" penis, too.
Lastly, number seven—remember it's a party.
I think it's a little too late for that.
I think it's a little too late for that.